Listen, I have always thought of myself as a bit of a planner. I like to have all aspects in order to make sure that they go smoothly. For most things that is. Sometimes flying by the seat of one's pants can be an adventure, meandering through life just taking things as they come. There is a sense of freedom to it. But, when it comes to the big decisions most people, ok well most responsible people like to think ahead and at least have an idea of what they want to do.
I am in school, as mentioned before. I chose to persue the Human Services avenue simply because it is job security. There are always people who are in need of help in some form or another, so that seemed like the best way to go. That is sooooo not what i want to do. I want to do something creative, I want to do something that I can smile doing.
I recently did a few photos for my girls' soccer teams' and i realized that i loved it. I have really enjoyed being behind a camera for many years. It has been a hobby since i was probably about 12 yrs old. Of course the thoughts have entered my mind " what if i could get a job being a photographer?" and " man i would love to start my own business doing this thing that i love". Sadly i never thought i was good enough. I have a friend whom is an amazing photographer, and I see how stressful it is for her. She never has a guarantee of income and some clients can be nightmares to deal with. On top of all that....it is a very expensive en devour to undertake.
I am pretty ok behind a camera, when the camera is doing the work for me, ie on the auto setting. My husband, the amazing person he is, has tried to show my how the different settings work, but things just dont seem to click. Pardon the pun. Then i realized, that i could change my major to photography in school. i could go to school and have someone teach me how things work. I have the artistic aspect down pretty good, just the mechanics that fail me.
So this brings me to my current dilemma.
Do i keep going to school for something that im not really interested in knowing that it will pay the bills, or do i change my major to something that i really love knowing that it is going to be sporadic at best, at least in the first couple years? I think i know the answer, but i dont trust myself to make it alone. I know in my heart that i should do what i am passionate about, but Im so afraid that that will make me selfish. As an adult with people whom depend on me, is it ok to just throw caution to the wind and do what i want to do rather than what i should?
I got the answer to that last night when i breached the subject to my husband. He sighed. That was it, just sighed. I suppose that ill keep on going in the direction that i am going and teach myself how to do what i want to do. Maybe pick up a few classes here and there to learn as much as i can. It can still be done as a "side gig": when im working in the job that i hate and find dissatisfying. After all THAT has become the American way.
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