Eurkeka!!!!

So here I am again, and this time I figured out the crisis i was going through. I am going to keep going to school as I am, and teach myself with the aide of amazing websites, books and amazingly talented friends to do what i LOVE. Just call me an apprentice! I have already learned a ton from a couple of awesome websites that I was able to find with the help of my loving and oh so understanding husband, and a little thing i like to call Google. I took so smashing shots the other day and though they aren't professional quality just yet, they will be with practice and some better lenses. Right now, I am working with just regular amateur lenses, which incidentally is perfect since im an amateur. I am going to take some time this weekend after the two soccer games and whatever other thing that we have going on to go out into the world and start snapping. Im not sure what sort of photographer I want to be, but I am leaning toward portrait, and possibly boudoir eventually. I under no circumstances will ever ever be a wedding photographer. I see what the owner and founder of http://yourlifephoto.blogspot.com/ Stacey Salerno goes through, she just happens to be one of my very best friends (total name drop right there) and she goes through so much stress, its not at all something that I would ever want to deal with. I would shoot second at a wedding, but never lead. I have loved photography since, what seems like forever, so I am determined to do this. I am going to start out small once i get the talent needed to do photos. I had such a blast doing the team photos this season, so I think that Im going to put my name on the list as a photographer for Parks and Rec, and use that to hone my skills a bit. 
I know i can do this, just going to take time and patience, which i have none of. 
I do find myself feeling a bit jealous of my photographer friends though, if we are being honest. But, not in an " I wish they would stop being successful" kinda way. I just wish that I had been able to realize my dream as a younger person like they did. 
I also sit back and learn from their stresses and see how they correct them, so when it comes time for me to hop in the game, thanks to them, i will be better able to cope with the inner workings of the profession than I normally would. 
The other aspect of my being able to improve my ability is having enough money to get the equipment that is needed. That is a whoooole other thing entirely. So if there is anyone out there who is selling camera lenses for Nikon, lemme know! 
Ill get there, eventually :) I just have to have faith in self and in the plan that the world has for me i guess.

What do I wanna do when i grow up?

Listen, I have always thought of myself as a bit of a planner. I like to have all aspects in order to make sure that they go smoothly. For most things that is. Sometimes flying by the seat of one's pants can be an adventure, meandering through life just taking things as they come. There is a sense of freedom to it. But, when it comes to the big decisions most people, ok well most responsible people like to think ahead and at least have an idea of what they want to do.
I am in school, as mentioned before. I chose to persue the Human Services avenue simply because it is job security. There are always people who are in need of help in some form or another, so that seemed like the best way to go. That is sooooo not what i want to do. I want to do something creative, I want to do something that I can smile doing.


I recently did a few photos for my girls' soccer teams' and i realized that i loved it. I have really enjoyed being behind a camera for many years. It has been a hobby since i was probably about 12 yrs old. Of course the thoughts have entered my mind " what if i could get a job being a photographer?" and " man i would love to start my own business doing this thing that i love". Sadly i never thought i was good enough. I have a friend whom is an amazing photographer, and I see how stressful it is for her. She never has a guarantee of income and some clients can be nightmares to deal with. On top of all that....it is a very expensive en devour to undertake.
I am pretty ok behind a camera, when the camera is doing the work for me, ie on the auto setting. My husband, the amazing person he is, has tried to show my how the different settings work, but things just dont seem to click. Pardon the pun. Then i realized, that i could change my major to photography in school. i could go to school and have someone teach me how things work. I have the artistic aspect down pretty good, just the mechanics that fail me.
So this brings me to my current dilemma.


Do i keep going to school for something that im not really interested in knowing that it will pay the bills, or do i change my major to something that i really love knowing that it is going to be sporadic at best, at least in the first couple years? I think i know the answer, but i dont trust myself to make it alone. I know in my heart that i should do what i am passionate about, but Im so afraid that that will make me selfish. As an adult with people whom depend on me, is it ok to just throw caution to the wind and do what i want to do rather than what i should?
I got the answer to that last night when i breached the subject to my husband. He sighed. That was it, just sighed. I suppose that ill keep on going in the direction that i am going and teach myself how to do what i want to do. Maybe pick up a few classes here and there to learn as much as i can. It can still be done as a "side gig": when im working in the job that i hate and find dissatisfying. After all THAT has become the American way.

Better Myself one headache at a time

I thought it would be a great idea to go back to school and begin working on my second degree. Since, though obscenely expensive, my first degree is pretty much as valuable as toilet paper to a bear. So I did all that I needed to do, and was excited to start bettering myself....again.
I was nervous about being the old lady in the classes, im 32 so while not actually old i am older than most of my classmates. To my surprise, I wasnt the old lady, but the average lady in a couple of my classes. which was a relief to me.


Oh and that brings me to my classes. I am wasting my time in a class that i have taken 2 times prior, and actually loving it. English has always been my favorite thing to study, so when i started this class i was looking forward to writing papers and reading alot. Funny enough, there really hasnt been much reading to be done. We do however, write our asses off. Its insane the amount of paper that we go through for this class. I only hope that when i am done, i am a better writer than i was when i went in. I used to be pretty cocky about my ability to write a good paper, both fiction and informative, but now i am begining to doubt my talent.


I have read some papers, this sememster that have blown me away. For some reason people seem to come to me for opinions on their stuff. I am flattered in most cases, but often wonder "Why me?"
I do love to read them, and pretty much any other fiction you put in front of me, so I am always eager to dive in and help them out. I would ideally love to go into a field of work that allows me to read for a living, or even write. However, writing is more stressful, and as a self proclaimed lazy chick, im not sure that would be what would make me happy.
I have thought about checking out online magazines to see if they are in need of freelance writers.
I am gaining experience as we speak by being part of the staff that writes and creates the online SL based mag called OhBoi. Although, sometimes i wonder if Im in the right place. I began working there thinking that i would make a difference, but just ended up doing layouts for articles about things that have nothing to do with the mag's genre. Oh well....experience is experience....right?

Real friends

As I sit and watch this movie about the closeness of friends, i wonder why it is that reality is such a disappointment. Why can't there be real friendships like that? Granted, i have friends, only a select few are trusted enough to be in my inner sanctum, and only one is close enough that i call her "sister". She knows me as no one other does, but still....we are not like those girls in the movies. I have to admit that i want to have a friendship like the girls from Sex and the City. Girls trips and always being able to count on one another for anything. 
How is it that i used to have so many people i could call friends when i was young, but now i have only 2? is it that as a young person my standards were lower? or is it that i was more open to friendship? I spent many years being friends with people who did nothing but stab me in the back and treat me as if i didn't matter but i was ok with that because i was never bored on a Friday night. What does that say about me as a person? Does that make me the needy wretch who is willing to get trampled just to be able to say she has friends? Or was that normal behavior for myself and my peers?
I love my friends, the ones i have now, and i hope that they love me back, but i sometimes wonder if its normal....i unlike the ladies in the Bushnell books, can go days, sometimes months without talking to my gfs and not think anything of it. Does that mean that I am cold or that i dont care about the relationships as much as they do? I tend to be the same with everyone, even my parents. Outta sight outta mind. I think that might come with being married to the military. I have learned to not let distance get to me in any way. I am not effected emotionally by the same things that most people are. I often wonder if that little fact makes me a socio-path, at least in some small element. I wonder from time to time if i am normal at all....if im goin to mess up my kids by teaching them to "be strong" like i am. Not to cry when they feel sad or feel the need to just simply shed tears.
What sort of example am i setting if I can even cry in front of the people that i am supposed to be closest to?